Torture in My MInd
Naomi, Age 18
Right now I feel torture in my mind,
Just when I thought I'd left it all behind;
The food, the weight sort of felt normal again,
Then why would I be putting these thoughts to pen?
I'm just cutting down a little I say within,
But I worry this battle, 'it' will win;
I'm frightened that a relapse is how this will end,
But 'it's ok', 'I'm fine' is what I have to pretend.
I don't want this to go as far as last time,
A treacherous mountain I had to climb;
To get as far as I have today,
But right now my thoughts are on how much I weigh.
The image in the mirror is important to me,
Ribcage, collarbones are what I long to see;
I body check daily, but why? I don't know,
All I want is to be thinner and I want it to show.
But I don’t want people to start to worry again,
I don't want them to weigh me on the scales and then;
Tell me I'm going on a weight gain meal plan,
I couldn't do that again, couldn't repeat how recovery began.
There are a couple of things that concern me a little,
I get dizzy, no period, will my bones become brittle?
I suppose I can blame it now on stress,
But really I know that my mind's a mess.
I know that I am struggling, day in and day out,
But I won't, I can't tell somebody about,
This torture, this battle within my head,
Because the truth is, I want to lose weight, don't want to be fed.
I'm only cutting out a bit of food from the meal plan each day,
But those little bits count in a massive way;
Because when I feel hungry but do not eat,
It almost feels good, it tastes both sour and sweet.
Right now I am tired of fighting this war,
I thought I had defeated 'it' before;
I don't want food and weight to be of such great concern,
But I feel I still have a big lesson to learn.
So now as I lie here, contemplating my struggles,
It all seems too much, such a lot to juggle;
But the real question is, how will this end?
What's next for me, what's just around the bend?